Sreshtha Sen

Community is the ultimate clownery. I know
this because I’ve read Polysecure. I say as much
as I’m scolding Juno, a cat I’ve been tasked to
care for, one whose claws have an incredibly
insecure attachment style. You’re hurting me, Juno.
Would I ever say this to someone who could
respond? Never. Or at least, never again. I lie.
I’ve barely managed ten pages of polysecure
but only because it renders the most curious
aspects of humanity to fattened sermon. No,
I don’t mean love or even sluttery, but ethics.
Ethics is so cool. I mean it. If we’re all equally
broke, when does mutual aid eventually run out?
If you had a trolley, who would you want to kill?

If you had a trolley, who would you want to kill?
Where would you want to go? Are you the driver
or the driven? On the way to Death Valley, I sat
in the back seat the entire time. Lost my shotgun
privileges the day my Delhi license expired and
I became purely pedestrian. Now, every need
to touch grass or see a rock formation requires
a plea to my friends. A favor. They don’t always see
it that way, I know but please understand this isn’t
the first time a grocery run has had me feeling help-
less. For a long time, any ask required kneeling.
A preplanned beseeching. My hands lay folded for
food. refuge. fright. Where are you going now? I’m still
unsure but at least, I know my answer to the first question.

At last, I know the answer to the question
on everyone’s mind. Is SRK a clown? Depends
on the film. Main Hoon Na? Clown certified. Happy
New Year? Too trash. It’s only fun only camp if it’s
in on the joke. Don’t listen to your critics, you can just tear
out their tongues, sang Habib Jalib & the joke was that’s
exactly what the govt. did. In Vegas, I am alone at AMC.
One ticket for Pathaan pls & thank you. Funny how soldiery
is proof of patriotism when soldiers are simply clowns
in camouflage. Dance says the nation & he dances. Die &
[end scene] In the dark, I lick masala off my fingers & watch
Shahrukh spit out blood to say Jai. Hind. at the camera.
Even clowns have mouths to feed. Sons to save from jail.
Besides. What’s so funny about trying to survive the state?

What’s so funny about trying to survive the state?
I am considering return to a country so eager to
have me back, it will kill all my jaans in my name.
Cold-blooded clownery. Clown myself, I entertain
moments of belief that my people need me but really
I’m a paperwork-fearing coward. In my visa petition
I type I am trying to stay on in your magnificent nation so
I can clown, get laid, pay my brother back & make poems.
My lawyer asks for a rewrite. This is why I pay him
the big bucks or rather, my former professor who
cares for me even though I haven’t published a book
& might never be of literary worth, kindly donates me
the big bucks with which I write my lawyer’s check
so I have someone to email at 2 AM asking what if—