Linda Laderman
Summer 2024 | Poetry
Dear Ms. Blakely
after Dear Mr. Fanelli by Charles Bernstein.
I noticed that your website says
your purpose is to elevate women,
so since you invented Spanx,™
I have a few questions. Why did you
replace the original Thinstincts™
panty bodysuit with Thinstincts™ 2.0?
Ms. Blakely, I’ve been buying 1.0 for years,
and 2.0 is not more innovative, like the bot
in your customer service portal replied
when I complained about 2.0’s construction.
Its snaps unsnap, Ms. Blakely. When I sit,
I hear click, click, click, like a mini train
clacking down my body’s tracks.
It’s so unexpected, Ms. Blakely.
My old version has hooks, not all
that comfortable, but it stays closed,
and the compression panel on the new
edition makes it hard to breathe.
Why should women be compressed,
Ms. Blakely? While I’m thinking about it,
I should ask if you’ve ever tried to pee
through the opening on your Thinstincts™
mid-thigh bodysuit? It’s impossible,
Ms. Blakely. Once you’re on the toilet
you must use two fingers to separate
the nylon seams, then try to make the stream
hit the water. Ms. Blakely, can you pee
in a straight-line? I bet anything you can’t.
On top of that your promo materials brag
about herstory, not history. The language
is clever, but if you really want to write
about women’s history, then you could start
by tracing the trajectory of girdles,
how generations of women have girded
their bodies to satisfy the male gaze—
and let’s be honest, Ms. Blakely, shapewear
is nothing more than a euphemism for girdles.
Euphemisms are dangerous, Ms. Blakely.
Why won’t you say it? After all, you sell
the idea that it’s fine to erase your lines,
to smooth your body, to disappear.
I mean, look at me, Ms. Blakely,
into my seventh decade and I’m still
compelled to wear a bodysuit—
and no matter what you call it, Ms. Blakely,
shapewear, (as if women are misshapen)
is a close cousin to the corset.
Ms. Blakely, how can you claim Spanx™
is for women, by women when you tout the idea
that breasts, butts, waists, and thighs are problems
in need of a solution? What should be solved,
Ms. Blakely, are the untruths underpinning
the litany of laws that target women—
and how they spread, viruses that vanish
a woman’s choices. It’s like those snaps,
one comes undone and before you know it
your body is exposed to the whims of strangers.
Ms. Blakely, please work to unbind a woman’s body
from rules that disempower her. How about it, Ms. Blakely?
By the way, I wonder if you could let me know
what’s holding up the delivery of my new bodysuit.
I have somewhere to go, and I want to look my best.
Linda Laderman is a Michigan poet and writer. Her poetry has appeared in, or is forthcoming from, numerous literary journals, including Quartet, Gyroscope, SWWIM, ONE ART, Thimble Literary Magazine, The Scapegoat Review, Rust &Moth, Minyan Magazine, 3rd Wednesday, and Mom Egg Review. She is the 2023 recipient of Harbor Review’s Jewish Women’s Prize and was recently nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her mini-chapbook, What I Didn’t Know I Didn’t Know, can be found online at https://www.harbor-review.com/what-i-didnt-know-i-didnt-know. In past lives, she was a journalist and taught English at Owens Community College and Lourdes University, in Ohio. For nearly a decade she was a docent at the Zekleman Holocaust Center near Detroit. More work and information at lindaladerman.com.