Christopher Lloyd

open your eyes

as you press me down into the green water which I am convinced

is dense with leeches I try to hold on to your legs that are stronger

than mine could ever be        even though you are fooling around

like we are kids at the beach         even though I know you would

not let me drown I wonder how it would feel to sink into that glorious

dark        if you held me there away from the lifeguards’ eyes but

in the depths

my lungs inhaled that inky murk

my arms flickered into loose fins

& I was warmly caressed by the algae

                      I would make a life down here occluded

a bed of silt and fish bones        the stems of lily pads curl

between my toes        the otters each morning brush by       

            instead the moorhens that paddle above us look ten times

bigger from down here        I wonder if their young have already left

for their own waterways        I propel upwards to the shattered surface

at the diving board you lay gloss-wet between the other men

I can’t help but stare at the clotted hair on your thighs & the way

your chest curves like the bent cow parsley behind us        I wonder

if mondays could always be this tranquil this quiet this gilded with

torsos        on the bank opposite the pond we lay like sun-drunk cats

you tug my drawstrings as if they are umbilical        I’m sure the men

opposite imagine that we are a couple stumbling into romance

but they’re wrong of course        you will go home to him and me

to nothing       as we walk away a heron expands itself like a parasol

a parakeet screeches past        it takes everything not to strip off

again & dive in        instead I grab hold of your hand in the sunshine

it’s not gay if you don’t look

at each other, he said, as if eye-

contact sealed the deal, made my

hands around his cock gender-

less, though I guess they are in

a way, so we both lay there &

gaze at the picture-rail my ex

put up because they thought it

looked bougie but actually made

everything look smaller, & I

wonder if this guy has a gf at

home, or will shag someone

tomorrow night to wash his

manhood clean of this act, he

sounds like he’s enjoying it,

& honestly this is one of the

least complicated hook-ups

I’ve had in months, though I

remember mid stroke that he’s

a writer, or so he said, & I

can’t help but see myself in

one of his stories, so I ask

him are you gonna cum soon,

& it’s almost like he had

forgotten I was there in the

room with him, that it was me

tightening around his head,

& funnily or not it’s when he

sees me hard too that he braces

his hands against the duvet I

kept from the breakup & coats

the headboard, he catches my

eye & smiles & I think maybe

we could do this again soon

& maybe I’ll be immortalised

on the page when he gets home

& scribbles with his sweaty palm

for DF

swimming in the wrong

there’s nothing like a cry in the holiday inn

at the table where tomorrow you’ll eat papery

eggs & drink diluted OJ to sky news on mute

the tired night receptionist will clock out

at 7 & eye you with something like pity

mixed into their freshly applied blusher

there’s nothing like ordering red wine & be

given a half-opened bottle of rosé that the bar

just wants rid of so you take some anyway

even though you’ll both have headaches

in the morning & will snap at the bus driver

who can’t hear you through the perspex

even though they say a good sob is cathartic

you can’t help but feel like you’ve been zested

with a microplane or swaddled in glue

& you both just look at each other under

the too-white spotlights & hold hands absent-

mindedly like it’s the first day of school

you hear the staff arrange cereals ready

for the morning as a group of bikers inhale

their kfc not even aware that you’ve been

exposing your childhoods & fears to one-

another up against windows that look at

a tesco carpark & like strangers you compose

yourselves with ballooned eye-bags & wet lips

you go to your separate rooms but the key cards

fail to work & you stand there waiting to be saved